How To: The 3 R's of Rebounding

  Resiliency is the ability to rebound effectively. Whether from the loss of a relationship, job, business deal, medical diagnosis, sporting event, or finances, whatever it may be, life is going to knock you down and hand you setbacks from time to time - often when you least expect it, aren't prepared for it, or both.There are many natural tendencies that we have, unhealthy and often harmful ways we tend to try and deal with, or cope when faced with these setbacks or painful situations. If you are going to live a healthy, active life and continue to move forward on your own terms, regardless of circumstances outside of your control, you're going to need to have an effective strategy for bouncing back whenever the universe decides to throw you a change-up. These 3 R's provide an approach to getting back on track, in the most effective and healthy way possible when you're ready, regardless of what has knocked you down.

1. Refocus

The first and most important step to getting back on track when you have been derailed is to refocus. When something outside the norm of what we are used to or expect jolts us and affects us emotionally, it tends to also consume our mental focus. Actually, most of the reason we feel the way we do emotionally is because we are constantly thinking about things through a certain paradigm, or we're stuck on something specific in our head. This leads to us feeling the respective emotions and can leave us in an unproductive, unmotivated, depressed state. Tony Robbins says, "What you focus on, you feel." In other words, your emotional state is a direct reflection of your mental focus. However, we have the ability to change this state by consciously making an effort to constantly refocus the direction of our thoughts about the past events through a different paradigm right now, along with redirecting the focus of our thoughts towards our desired future. More on that later.

2. Regroup

Now I know what you're thinking, "yeah right Ryan, that's easier said than done." And like with most tools and techniques for self improvement and personal growth, you’re absolutely right. It is easier said than done, but it is possible, and fairly simple. The key is P+E+C. Plan + Effort + Consistency = Progress. Having a specific plan, putting forth effort and taking action, on a constant, consistent basis, is the formula for progress in any area of your life. We have all heard the phrase, “time heals all wounds”. Well those "wounds" take a little less time to heal if you’re making an effort to consistently follow a specific plan to get you back on track or headed in a new direction during that "time". So the key becomes what you do with the time that ultimately determines how long it takes those proverbial wounds to heal.

3. Reload

Earlier I mentioned “redirecting the focus of our thoughts towards our desired future”. What I was referring to was a paradigm shift. When you are upset or emotional about an unexpected change in your life, the chances are it has a lot to do with disappointment pertaining to expectations, plans, dreams, etc. You feel upset because there is now an internal conflict - your old ways of viewing, seeing, or thinking about your future do not apply to the new situation you now find yourself in. These feelings of hurt and frustration are magnified by the fact that we are helpless, having absolutely no control over changing past events. Since we cannot change events of the past, we need to refocus our effort on influencing what we do have complete control over, and that is how we perceive the past, how we currently interpret those events, and the meaning we currently give to them. This is all about tweaking your mindset.
The most effective way to deal with an old paradigm is to create a new one and replace it. When trying to change dis-empowering, negative, or irrational thought patterns, it is much easier to substitute them than it is to stop them. First, make an effort to find and give new meaning to those old events, something with a positive spin on it, something that empowers you. Find a way to view it that leaves you feeling like you are more, like you have learned from or benefited from the experience, and have grown as an individual. Second, not only do you need to address your old paradigm, but you need to create a new, more compelling vision of your future, what you want, and where you are headed. This process is critical because moving away from focusing on, and being consumed by past events is exponentially easier when you have a fresh vision that consumes your attention and elicits positive energy along with feelings of excitement and hope. This new vision will become the new focus of your mental and emotional energy, and will give your thoughts a productive place to go moving forward.

  Along with the 3 R’s above, there are four more R’s to consider when you find yourself facing adversity in a rebound situation. The following 4 R’s are things you want to make a conscious effort not to do, and how they can work against you in progressive stages, potentially leading to a mental and emotional roller coaster, that may derail or distract you, and ultimately prevent you from progressing.

Don't:

  Remember things (mental)

 -Sure you will be reminded at times, but intentionally reminiscing will lead to  

  memories about the past that will incite emotions, positive, negative or both.

  ↓

  Remorseful feelings (emotional)

 -Once you begin to experience any emotions or feelings relating to the past you
  may start to think about what you regret.

  ↓

  Regretful thoughts (mental)

 -These thoughts of regret and remorse could include thoughts about what you
   could have or should have done differently.
   ↓

   Relapse of emotions (emotional)

 - If you focus on irrational thoughts about the past you may psych yourself

   into having false hope about the past being different, or worse, you may 

   begin to have thoughts about what you can do now to "fix" the past.

   If you fall into the trap of emotional time travel then the present moment can become distorted and you lose sight of the acceptance that is necessary to remind ourselves of what really is. Not only do you lose sight of the reality that there’s nothing you can do about the past, but you also become distracted from what you can and need to do in the here and now, to not just move forward, but be happy while doing so. This process is designed to serve as a method to move you forward but in a way that focuses centrally on the fact that there is a forward, and life not only goes on, but can be even better than before. It's all about learning from our experiences while remaining focused, disciplined, and consistent, until that way of living becomes your new way of life.

Bullying: Understanding The Cycle & Victims Response

Bullying is not some sort of 21^st century invention. However, with the creation and use of social media, along with a much more desensitized world and society for our youth to try to be young in today, bullying seems to be more widespread and prevalent than ever.  For a long time “bullying” wasn't as appropriately addressed or recognized as a potentially life threatening issue as it is today. Unfortunately, it took some terrible tragedies to highlight the severity and danger of the problem. So schools, even society as a whole, began to embrace the fight against bullying. This awareness and the attempt to address bullying was, and is, a much needed good thing. However, in my experience, the pendulum has swung from many people being unaware, to a lot of people being hyper sensitive. The terms bully and bullying are now very commonly used as an exaggerated synonym for terms such as "mean, teasing, bothering, or harassing", when there is an issue or conflict of sorts between kids. But, although it does often involve acts such as those, true bullying behavior is much more complex than those acts alone. Similar to how we understand the severity of the act and even the word rape, the act of bullying and the word bully carry their own weight. The psychological trauma associated with both of these acts and behaviors are so severe in their own way, they are truly in a league of their own. Bullying is not as much about a definition as it is an intention, or what’s behind the behavior. The line between being mean and bullying has been blurred as a result of many concerned caring parents or individuals being uninformed and uneducated when it comes to bullying. Not only do these individuals have their own perception, but often times they have their own agenda as well. This leads to a host of problems, challenges, and issues, especially for school personnel and law enforcement to investigate and address accusations or allegations of bullying.

As a school counselor for over 10 years, I've worked with thousands of kids of all ages and all grades, from seniors in high school, to kindergartners, even Pre-K students. I recently dealt with one of the more pure cases of bullying that I have experienced in my career. This led me to really think about and examine what I have learned and what I know about “bullies” and the responses of victims who experience bullying. For a decade I've personally observed and become aware of 4 primary responses by victims who experience bullying. Below I've elaborated on these four responses, and tried to explain a little bit about how and why they may take place.

When confronted by a “bully” and faced with or experiencing bully like behavior, students generally seem to respond in one of the four following ways:

A.) The victim immediately recognizes the cruel behavior or intentions by a bully and speaks up about it instantly, both to the bully, as well as notifying friends, family, and adults who can help.

-Ideally, this is the preferred and healthiest possible response…also easier said than done, as with most things that are done the right way. Students who do stand up for themselves in this manner and seek assistance from an adult should be praised and encouraged. If age appropriate, they should also be made aware of the fact that they are not only helping to prevent this from happening to anyone else, but that they are actually helping the “bully” because they need help too.

B.) The victim responds to the bullying behavior either initially or after some time has passed, not by speaking up or expressing how they feel verbally in a positive manner, but by retaliating against the bully either verbally, physically, or both. This victim may or may not notify parents or others, after they have engaged in back and forth behavior or retaliation.

- Although this reaction or response is actually what some parents encourage and prefer, it can be dangerous and problematic for a few different reasons. First, the victim can put themselves in harm’s way and get hurt physically trying to take on and solve the problem alone; not to mention over time he/she may become accustom to responding to problems or dealing with people in this way so often that they may fall into category C, which I’ll discuss in a moment. Second, the victim will no longer be seen as purely a victim and will possibly now be looked at as part of the problem. It’s one thing to stand up for yourself; it’s something else entirely to fight fire with fire.
I was once in a meeting with the father of a student who had punched a kid for pushing him in line. We met with the parents to let them know that as per the school district policy, their son would be suspended for one day hitting (the other boy was suspended as well), even though their son didn't hit first. Rather than accept the consequence and try to wrap his head around teaching his son not to react impulsively with physical violence, and instead encourage his son to let an adult know someone pushed him next time so the other kid would be the only one getting sent home, dad said to me and my assistant principal, and I quote, “Next time this happens, he’s going to punch him again, and I want you to suspend him for 3 days so I can take him to Disney world.” End quote. Father of the year? Not so much.

C.) Rather than consciously recognize the bullies behavior as intrusive, hurtful, or disrespectful, the victim buries the hurt and pain caused by the bully and almost represses the memories of the experiences along with the emotions involved. However, because this experience is not recognized or acknowledged consciously, and there for expressed or talked about in an attempt to work through it in a healthy manner, no catharsis can take place. Therefore manifestations occur in the form of behavior towards others, mainly a weaker target or subject. These behaviors resemble the unwanted, hurtful, and painful behaviors that they have experienced themselves.

-This is where the birth of another bully often takes place. The incident I dealt with recently involved a girl who was relentlessly targeting a boy in her class (yes, a mean 5^th grade girl bullying a quiet shy 5^th grade boy) attempting to degrade and humiliate him in front of his classmates. It turns out that girl had been experiencing the same type of behavior from another girl at her dance class outside of school for over a year. She told no one about any of it, other than briefly mentioning to her mom that the girl was mean. She sat and cried with me and told me that she thought she was fat and ugly and a terrible dancer because this bully in her dance class had made her think that was the truth for so long. This girl didn't even know or realize that she had become this mean girl herself and started to exhibit and display the same behaviors with this one boy in her class. Just as abuse victims often grow up to abuse others, the same dynamic takes place with bullies. There is a subconscious component to it on some level, outside the awareness of why the bully does what they do. Often people who bully will not have an explanation or reason or understanding why they are mean or acting that way towards others. They will often lie, or make up excuses, or blame others in a way that makes no sense in an attempt to justify it to others and to themselves. As for the girl at my school who was bullying the boy in her class, she did all the above at one point, and just prior to me helping her discover and realize where this may be coming from, she was stuck on “I don’t know”. And I believed she didn't. I referred her to an outside therapist for some professional counseling.

D.) The victim not only becomes and remains consciously aware of the pain and misery caused by the bullying behavior, they may also tolerate and comply with the bullying, hoping this will make it go away or that it will end soon. However, as it continues, they usually end up feeling trapped and begin to feel and believe that they have no control over it and it will never stop. They may not tell others out of fear or pride or embarrassment, or they may have told someone but nothing or not enough was done, so they don’t speak up again. They feel tormented to the point that all they want to do is escape or be free from the torment and devastation that they are suffering through. This is when suicide and death may start to become an option or solution in the victims mind.

-Needless to say this is the most tragic possible response or outcome when it comes to experiencing persistent bullying. Think of the Miami dolphin’s football player Jonathan Martin, the most recent high profile case of bullying behavior. It is unknown or unclear exactly why an individual who responds like this may choose not to come forward or ask for help or confront the person mistreating them, but that doesn't alter the fact that what they experience is as real and as severe to them as it is to those individuals who respond in any other way. As for the Jonathan Martin case, take a look at the childhood and background of Richie Incognito, the alleged bully, it may help put this material and that case in perspective.

So what do we do with all this information and how do we apply it proactively?

As a parent, encourage your kids to talk about their social experience at school daily. Try to start with the positive and ask them things like, “who do you talk to, who do you play with, who do you sit next to, who do you have things in common with?” Make an effort to take mental notes and remember the names of kids that seem to be important or impactful on your child's day to day routine or experience. Ask to hear more about who these kids are, what your child has learned about them, and how well they know them. If it sounds to be all peaches and cream and you suspect there is more, or you're not sure your child would tell you if there was, ask vague round about questions that kind of allude to what you want to know. Open the door by saying something like, “Is everyone in your class awesome or nice? Is there anyone in your class that the other kids don't get along with?” If you want to hear more about a specific kid that is mentioned or stands out in a more negative way, you can ask something like, “Is there anyone at school or in your class you don't like?”. You can even tell them a story about how you remember when you were in school there was a boy or girl that was mean every day and you had to learn how to either speak up and tell them to stop or to learn how to keep your distance and limit contact with that kid, or how you made an effort to have a few friends with you at any time that you anticipated you may encounter or have to interact with them.

Just remember that 1.) Your child is not you and may perceive, interpret, handle, and deal with things totally different than you did or would. 2.) Be careful not to plant seeds or overreact, there may not be a bully involved, we don’t want to invent or create one. Both of these factors can have a huge impact on your child's reality. If the word bully comes up, ask for specifics. When I hear that word or get that complaint or allegation, the first thing I want to find out is what is the victim’s idea, definition, or understanding of what a bully or bullying is. Remember, just because the word bully is used does not mean true bullying is taking place. I'll ask why they say someone is bullying them, or what makes them a bully…most of the time the answer is something like, “because they are mean to me”. At this point it is important to find out how they are mean, this is where the distinction is usually made as to whether or not a child is being persistently, systematically targeted and harassed by another kid with the intent to threaten or harm them either emotionally, mentally, or physically. Or, if it’s just a case of an interaction with another mean kid who may just treat his peers badly and has poor social skills in general. Often I will ask how they are mean, and they will say “he/she calls me names”. Now it’s true that bullying can come in the form of name calling, but we have to be careful here because just pure name calling has been around for a long time. As Sigmund Freud once said, “The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization." Apparently the ability to be mean is essentially part of being human. Name calling isn't going anywhere and no one is going to stop it. It's really about tolerance and empowering our kids with confidence and a healthy self esteem so that they are able to recognize and ignore negative or mean comments as often as possible. The type of names and what is being said is what's important.  Again this is where the distinction needs to be made. Are the names or words personal, are they specifically or strictly aimed at your child? Are they consistent, constant, and repetitive? Or does this mean child call everyone in the class these names, does he react in this mean way with most of the other kids when he/she wants something or doesn't get their way? Either way, the problem needs to be addressed, but those distinctions may assist in approaching and dealing with it most effectively and appropriately for all parties involved.

The school and teachers need to know about mean kids too, but it's important that your child doesn't feel or take on the role or persona of a helpless victim of bullying, when really it’s just an unfortunate case of your child having to deal with a mean kid in the class that treats others poorly, the same way adults unfortunately have to deal with a**holes in life. There is a difference between an a**hole and a bully. Dealing with and encountering unpleasant people is a part of life, and in the classroom or at school, this reality can provide critical opportunities to teach life lessons and skills such as tolerance, acceptance, focus, proximity, and ignoring others. True bullying is generally more difficult to deal with and address than “being mean” is, this is why it’s important to distinguish being mean from bullying.

If the problematic behavior by another child is something that is happening to more than just them and something that can be alleviated if addressed and dealt with appropriately by the school staff and administration, your child can help that student and the school by speaking up and letting us know. There are hundreds sometimes thousands of kids and a whole lot of different dynamics and interactions that take place on a daily basis at school, so it’s very possible for perceptions or interpretations to go unnoticed or slip through the cracks, and the teacher to never be made aware of them. Teachers need to know when there is a major problem like bullying or even a child that is mean, but often the teacher is bombarded with everything from she stepped on my paper, to he won't share his crayon, to he's sitting in my seat, to he skipped me, to he touched my book bag...all these, times 30 kids, multiplied by 6 hours a day.

That’s one of the main reasons parenting is so critical when it comes to a child's success and their education, including their education about bullying and how to recognize and respond. The parent can help teach the child about those distinctions and what is an emergency or worthy of getting help with, and what they can try to handle on their own and how to do it. Teachers are teachers, not parents, their job is to teach. But today it’s almost as if teachers are generally expected to do the job of parenting (and many do) as well. The school relies on the parent to empower and educate the child about how to handle many of these incidents on their own, and use good judgment about when to complain or ask for "help". Some kids tell the teacher about everything and some kids don’t speak up at all. The teacher has to choose their battles as to what they invest their energy into when they are made aware of an issue, but the teacher only knows what they are told or made aware of. Universally, all kids need to feel comfortable and secure when it comes to notifying someone in school about mean behavior, or disrespect, or anything that makes them feel uncomfortable for that matter. It is then up to the adults to intervene appropriately with the information they are given, by both parties involved, because there are always two sides to the story, and then there is the truth. It’s up to a few underpaid humans to decide as best as they possibly can what that truth is, and most of the time they do get it right.

I went on a bit of a rant about schools, teachers and parents, but the bottom line is help, support, and understanding from students and their parents is one of the most critical factors in successfully developing and educating our youth as to how to handle and respond to mean or bullying behavior. 

A few footnotes:

*I think it’s important to note that not all people who bully exhibit or do so using the same method. In my experience, I've identified two primary methods of bullying:

The first method is what I think of as the stereotypical bully to most people, that one kid who threatens everyone he/she can into “giving up their lunch money”. This person picks on or targets anyone who appears to be weaker or a vulnerable candidate in general. They exhibit what I like to think of as “open rage” where just about anyone is susceptible.

The second method involves a person who singles out or identifies a specific target or targets, and they invest all their energy in that person or those few people. I call this “directed rage”. This is the normal, average, even nice kid that secretly or privately torments and targets a small group or one other kid in particular, for any number of reasons. This is “the new age bully” if you will, one who commonly uses tools such as social media to direct their anger and hate specifically and also to hide behind so they can save face.

*There are also two types of bullying that may be associated with either method mentioned above:

The first involves physically threatening behavior, potentially harmful aggression, and or violence.

The second is non-physical, non-violent passive-aggressive behavior that involves verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse through the use of embarrassment, humiliation, and or isolation, just to name a few.

*Also, whenever dealing with a case of bullying, do not sit down with or bring the victim and bully together before addressing them separately AND confirming that the victim is ok with talking to, being face to face, or being in the same room as the accused. Asking the victim to do this or putting them in this type of a situation without their consent may not only be uncomfortable, but also terrifying and traumatic. Use common sense, you wouldn't expect a rape victim to be ok with sitting across from or around the person who raped them. Respect a bully victim with same regard. Mediation may be possible, but long after interventions have been made individually, not ever as a first resort.

*Lastly, sometimes people forget that bullies need help too. So remember, the next time you or others want to incite an angry anti-bully mob to ostracize a kid for bullying, that has never been proven to alleviate bullying. Keep in mind that because often times the bully was or is a victim as well, they also need assistance. What most people who bully are lacking is a sense of feeling loved or significant on some level, the last thing they need is more hate or negativity in their life.

Hopefully this information and these different suggestions will empower you with some strategies and knowledge in the area of human behavior and psychology from my perspective and experience when it comes to bullying. Please share this with parents, teachers, and anyone else who you feel may benefit from this information or who may help use it to inform and empower others when it comes to addressing the issue of bullying.

Love Without Trust?

Can we truly love someone without trusting them? 

Yes. 

Here's how, and why...

 First of all, as I established in my previous blog post titled, "Love part 1: The Difference", it is important to note the distinction between feeling love for someone, and actually loving someone with your actions. We may or may not have feelings of love that accompany our actions and intention to overtly love someone we don't trust. In this post however, I am only going to explore and examine how and why the action of loving someone that we don't trust is not only possible, but dangerous. 

  

  

  The notion of loving someone we don't trust may seem odd or contradictory, but none the less, I believe it is definitely possible, and unfortunately way too common. To help put this possibility in perspective, let me ask you some simple questions to serve as an analogy.

Can you feed someone, and make sure thy eat without trusting them?

Can you take someone to the doctor and see that they are cared for and medically well and healthy without trusting them?

Can you love and care for a wounded pet or animal that you don't trust and fear may bite you?

  If you answered yes to all three questions then you probably get it.

My point is, we can do things like this (above) with and for each other as well if we choose, out of pure love for a person or creature, regardless of whether we trust them or not.

So the simple part of my point, and this post, is that it's possible to love someone you don't trust.

The complex part is that it is this very ability, or tendency, to love without trust, that complicates and prolongs unhealthy relationships. That is where the possibility lends itself to a potentially problematic cycle.

Why is it that we are unable to fully love someone inside a relationship with someone we don't fully trust?

  The problem with being able to love without trust is this: we get in relationships with people because we love them (not a problem), BUT, we also STAY in the relationship because we love them, even AFTER we stop trusting them (problem). That is not healthy.

  So, the first distinction to make here is, just because you CAN love someone that you don't trust, does not mean you can, let alone should, try to be in a healthy, working, relationship with someone you don't trust.

That is the difference, and that is a mistake that is made way too often. "I stayed because I love him." Or "I want to give it another chance because I care about her." How much you care or love someone is really irrelevant when it comes to having a healthy relationship IF there is no trust. You are just going through the motions on auto pilot, playing house, not growing or building anything of substance, inevitably either waiting to get hurt, or waiting to make a mistake (like getting married or having children).

  Inside a relationship, lack of trust complicates and prevents the growth and expansion and maturity of love from ever reaching, or even moving towards its full potential and what it's capable of.
This happens because there is a vulnerability component that is naturally part of any relationship. Healthy relationships are all about being comfortably vulnerable. This comfort increases as trust does.
Not only are we already naturally vulnerable in relationships, but where there is a lack of trust we have predetermined and established a consistent, potential danger of getting hurt, and where there is danger there is distraction, and when we are distracted we are limited in our abilities, including the ability to love fully.

  However, when we care or love someone, we may become blind and unaware of this reality, almost to the point of denial about how much the lack of trust is having a real impact on the magnitude of our love and the relationship. So we tend to push on, and almost try to compensate for the lack of trust and pain by trying to show or "express more love" in a sense. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

A common misconception people have when it comes to how and why love and relationships work is that they are under the impression that it's love, and emotions, and passion, and desire, and attraction, and caring, and feelings - that don't just make up, and drive a relationship (which they do to some extent), but that those things are also what will carry a relationship for a lifetime, which they will not! 

  Feelings are doomed without trust. Trust is the key, core component of a relationship that is the over all fabric which holds it together. Trust is a security, and comfort you feel in your soul with someone.

It represents a certain deep level of safety inside of a relationship with other people. And just like with Maslow's hierarchy of needs pyramid, and human needs psychology suggest, after food and water, safety is the most basic primary need we have. We instinctively seek to attain safety as individuals before we do anything else besides eat, even in relationships. When we feel threatened or in danger of being harmed by someone, we will do whatever it takes to find security for our emotions, even if that means investing them in someone else.

  That's why I believe that inside of a relationship with someone we don't trust in our gut, yes it's possible to love, but it is hard to genuinely love someone in a way that you're fully potentially capable of when you have the uncertainty and fear from that lack of trust. Under these circumstances that a lack of trust creates, your primary need is to deal with getting or finding trust, safety, and security, not giving love.

  However, once outside of that relationship, where we feel safe, and the constant danger of potentially getting hurt (whether real or imagined) is not eminent, we then can objectively see and look exclusively at how we feel and whether we want to care for someone or love them, and possibly if we still want to be loved by them. At this point is where the problem often occurs.

  We break up with someone or end things when either the pain or fear stemming from lack of trust or connection gets so intense, that it seems and feels stronger and more real than the positive things we feel for the other person, to the point that it blurs things and inhibits us from comfortably loving normally, and naturally. But, once we break up or end things, that act or action in and of itself of ending or stopping or getting out of and being separate from "danger", entails and implies that we are now safer or relieved of that threat It is with this hallucination that we are then susceptible to becoming overwhelmed by the experience or opportunity of now being able to see and focus strictly and completely on the positive feelings we have for the person we still love, without the threat or fear of danger or getting hurt. This is when we go back.

 So you see, the danger in being able to love someone while not trusting them can lead us to stay in an unhealthy relationship, or return to one after leaving. This tendency is not only hard for most people to recognize, but equally as difficult for most to accept. Why and how specifically trust is absent can be at the root of the problem when it comes to recognition and acceptance, therefore complicating any form of healthy intervention or resolution.   

  Regardless of why trust has been damaged or lost, it is imperative that the issue of trust (or lack of) is not only addressed, but either resolved, or understood in a way that includes each person being willing to take responsibility and be accountable for using defined, concrete skills, strategies and steps that are agreed upon by all parties, in an attempt to provide a realistic opportunity for meaningful lasting change and healthy growth.This may or may not require assistance from a relationship specialist, therapist, counselor, or coach. As for the issue of trust, see below for some bonus info.

Two common misconceptions people have about trust:

1. The reason we don't trust is because trust has been broken or lost.

  Yes, lack of trust can come from being achieved and then broken, or lost. But mistrust can also come from someone who never attained it in the first place. Do not assume that trust issues within a relationship are always the result of an occurrence or incident that took place between the people currently in a relationship.

  When it comes to trust, you need to understand that it is possible for people to bring baggage and insecurities into the relationship which prevent and handicap trust from ever truly having a chance. A persons lack of, or failure to trust, can come from their perceptions, assumptions, and beliefs, and not necessarily anything tangible.           

  Discovering or recognizing if any of this is the case, and then taking steps to address it as soon as possible, either individually or together, is critical. That being said, there are things you can do to guard against these "barriers of beliefs" as much as possible, and do your part to help create a trustworthy connection. 

  One, always be mindful of whether or not anything you are doing or saying could be perceived as untrustworthy. Don't wait to hear from your partner or for them to react, be mindful of your actions and have their feelings in mind. Don't assume that just because something is ok with you or you wouldn't mind, that will or should feel the same. Getting to know more about your partners, expectations, beliefs, and standards when it comes to relationships should help shed some light on these things. But don't walk on eggshells, at the end of the day you should be able to be comfortable being yourself. 

  Second, if your partner does do or say something that you perceive as disrespectful or untrustworthy, based on your own expectations, beliefs, standards or "rules", always express and communicate it to them as soon as possible. Again, if you have never communicated it to them before, don't assume they know. Just because you think they should know, doesn't mean they do, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't, and aren't obligated to tell them, because you are. Part of being in a relationship involves learning about each other, and often that requires us to teach. Tell them how it makes you feel, and why, if possible. If you have a hard time talking about your feelings, write it down, but be sure they know, and asap! Never hold back or bury something they did or said that hurts, concerns, or worries you in any way. Don't hold back from expressing or communicating your needs and concerns about something that affects you, simply because you think it's obvious or that they should know. Along with trust, communication is the most important ingredient to the survival of a healthy relationship. 

  Doing these two things from the very beginning of the relationship will at least help promote and facilitate the opportunity for healthy trust to be established and grow over time.

2. Cheating is the primary reason or way to lose or break someones trust.

  Again, cheating is obviously going to cause significant problems and issues inside of a relationship overall, specifically when it comes to trust. Being faithful is probably what most people correlate to trust. However, lack of trust DOES NOT automatically equal or imply fear of cheating. There are other ways or reasons we may fail to gain, or lose trust inside of a relationship that have a detrimental impact...it's not always about "cheating". 

  Being faithful does not just apply to monogamy or exclusivity, as far as having one sexual partner or mate. It also applies to meaning what you say, and being faithful to your word. It involves keeping your promises, and loving someone unconditionally, with supportive, consistent actions and a dedicated regard for their emotional well being, regardless of the external circumstances in your own life. 

  Maybe it's your partners intentions you don't trust. If you are dedicated to being something or someone to another person and are invested, you want to know, and to see proof, that they are dedicated and have meaningful intentions for you, and the relationship as well. This validation and the belief in ones intentions will not come from just simply the expression of words and actions, but for words and actions to be meaningful, they need to be C-Squared: Congruent and Consistent.

  Which leads me to another simple but very necessary form of trust in a relationship that involves relying on being informed of how our partner is feeling and what they are thinking as it pertains to the relationship. This requires being open and expressing ourselves to our partner. If we don't feel or believe that we are able to depend on our partner opening up to us so that we have the opportunity to know whats going on with our partner internally and emotionally, then we will not only begin to lose trust in their tendency or ability to communicate, but also in their intentions with us inside the relationship, and possibly even worse, maybe in how much they care about us.    

  In conclusion, don't let how much you care, or your feelings of love determine whether or not you should stay in a relationship and continue to express them. Rather, ask yourself if there is a strong enough foundation of communication and trust to feel safe with that person and let that be the gauge for whether or not it is a relationship worthy of continuing to invest your love. Getting out of an unhealthy relationship does not mean you don't love someone or never cared for them. It simply means that you love yourself enough to find a safe place to live emotionally, even if that means outside of a relationship with someone you love. 

5 Communication Land Mines

Communication is the key to meaningful connections, it's the life blood of a healthy, working relationship. When stated, each of the five following statements below send a negative message and imply or represent a lack of caring, thoughtfulness, consideration, and or sensitivity when it comes to communicating. They are neglectful and fail to consider the other persons message, point of view, emotional state, or needs, and can potentially up end a conversation and leave feelings hurt in the process. If you care about your relationships, and you would like others to feel comfortable opening up and communicating with you, regardless of the topic or situation, make a conscious attempt to avoid these verbal hand grenades at all cost...each of these statements have their own unique way of sending the most harmful message of all, that communication is not important to you and frankly, is a waste of your time.

1. "So what." 

You might as well say: "Your point and your words are not valid, because either I don't see where you're coming from and what you mean, or I just don't care. You don't matter, what you're saying is not important to me, or important at all."

This is hurtful and detrimental because its dismissive and careless. It lacks the effort or intention to connect or listen to and understand why something matters to someone else, regardless of how you feel, or what you think about it. 

What you could say instead is: "I don't understand why this is important or it matters so much to you, please try and explain why it's such a big deal to you because I don't understand, but I want to."

2. "Big deal."
You might as well say: "I don't care about that, so hurry up and get over it, or shut up. It's not important to me, so it shouldn't matter to you either."

Saying "big deal" is a big deal. It belittles and undermines the importance or magnitude of how much the other person cares about something, or how meaningful it is to them. This creates and highlights a total disconnect from understanding what matters to THEM, not you. 

What you could say instead is: "This is obviously something you care a lot about, so I will keep that in mind and consider your feelings about it even though I might not feel as strongly about it as you do."

3. "Never mind."
You might as well say: "Forget it. You're not worth it. I don't feel like trying. It's a pouty way of saying I give up, you are not worth my time. I don't even care right now."
The problem is, most of the time when people say this they do still care, so its also a lie, because they really don't want to forget it, and they won't. It's very passive aggressive and puts the other person at a standstill  in a no win situation.

What you could say instead is: "I care about this, but I feel frustrated right now. I'm having a hard time finding the right words to connect with you or reach you, and I want to resolve this, but I think it would be best for both us if we could maybe take a break and talk about this again later."

4. "Whatever."
You might as well say: "I have no desire, incentive, or drive, to meet any standard, or goal with you. Any outcome is acceptable, because nothing you say matters to me."
This is a conversation killer. A dead end and road block to alternatives or any understanding. Also very passive aggressive, sending the message that you are "ok" with anything or whatever someone does or says...which deep down, is really another lie and not true. Once again it says, I give up and don't care.

What you could say instead is: "I'm really fed up right now, and I'm not sure what the point is exactly or what we are trying to accomplish. Can we take a step back and talk about what this conversation is really about and what we each want to accomplish?"

5. "I don't care."
You might as well say: "I can't handle this. I'm angry. I do care, I care so much that it frustrates me not to be able to solve this problem, or understand where you're coming from, what you need, and connect with you. I don't feel like you care so I'm scared to show that I do."

This one should speak for itself, accept ironically, as you can see above, when someone says "I don't care" to someone they love or care about, it usually means the exact opposite of what is actually being said. However, the actual words that are spoken, "I don't care",  give the other person no reason or motivation to try and reach you or connect at all. Saying this comes across as selfish, effortless, and inconsiderate.

What you could say instead is: "I feel helpless right now. I'm lost, or at a loss, and I don't know what to do. Please slow down or stop for a second and help me help us." 

Most of the time these detrimental statements are made during an intense conversation, a heated debate, or an argument...and most of the time they all have one major thing in common; emotions. 

When it comes to emotions and conversation, the key is to distinguish between the actual message you are trying to convey to someone else, and the subliminal message your emotions are sending to you! If we can become aware of how we are feeling only then can we listen to and understand the messages we are sending to ourselves about something, or someone first, so that we can be sure not to complicate or poison the transfer or process of reaching someone else with the real message as effectively as we possibly can.

The bottom line is, if you're trying to communicate with someone, or they are with you, it's probably because one, or both of you, care. Try to be mindful of what you say and stay away from words or statements that would contradict this. Compassion and genuinely caring is a prerequisite to truly effective communication. 

Remember, the most important message you can send someone when communicating is,

"I care about you, and what you have to say."

Crisis: 5 Steps to Change

As a proponent of positive psychology & personal growth, and in preparation for my new venture as an 'Educational Speaker' and 'Success Coach', recently I've been doing a lot of work studying the fundamental keys and principles on how to create lasting change when it comes to any area of life. So naturally, that has included studying a lot of information from Tony Robbins! Below, I tried to incorporate Tony's 5 step approach to creating change in a time of crisis, into an approach that can also be useful when dealing with crisis inside of a relationship. 

5 Steps to Change

1. See it how it is, not worse than it is.  It’s easy to get things out of proportion when we’re in a state of crisis because we are, or feel, under threat. This is when it seems out of our control. If you can be objective, you regain your control and it’s much easier to take action. It's easy for our emotions to get the best of us and cause our brains to paint a different picture, or blur the real truth about how things are. Recognize how bad it feels, but acknowledge how it really is, which often is not nearly as bad as it feels.
   
2. Get to the real truth and deal with it.  If you are able to deal with the cards you are dealt and accept what’s happening, it will prevent you from becoming paralyzed by fear and stress. Focus on what you know the actual problems are, not the feelings you have as a whole about the problems. (In relationships: at this point if it is in turmoil, it's not a bad idea to discuss the possible consequences. Talk openly and honestly about what it will cost if things remain the same, and the pain both parties involved will feel if the truth being told is not recognized, let alone resolved. Do this not in a threatening way, just as an informative way about the state of your reality. You may feel like you're the only one in pain, but remember to not only listen, but inquire about the other parties needs or pain as well.)
   
3. Get a vision to get strong.  We all need something to go for and in times of crisis, this will propel us into action, focusing on the future rather than the present. (In relationships: this is where you will communicate your specific desires and needs moving forward. After discussing the reality about how things are or have been, you need to be very specific about what you want and the way you would like for it to be in the future. This is also a time when it is important to discover 'why'. Your reason for taking action and fighting to get through the crisis or tough time to make it work is critical. The why, or reasons and meaning that both parties share will continually help pull you through it together. If you have a strong enough reason 'why', and are specific enough about the 'what', then you will find a way 'how' with no problem.
   
4. Get a role model and learn their strategies.  This can be anyone who’s managed to move to a positive situation after a crisis – family member, friend, colleague. This will help us take necessary action. (In relationships: this may include counseling, therapy, or something that worked for another couple who faced similar challenges and turned things around successfully.  Or, it may include a little research about some techniques or skills to try together in an attempt to build back that bond or intimacy that was once so strong in what ever specific area of the relationship that is needed. If it's a person you go to, it needs to be someone both parties trust. Either way, it will feel like work, but relationships are just that. However, if both parties are committed, the results will speak for themselves, and they will reinforce the work that has been put in. By the way, there is no predetermined time limit on how long you try. How long do you give a baby to start walking? As long as it takes. You don't give up or quit on the baby because they haven't walked in the amount of time you desired, or expected them to. Well effort in a committed relationship works the same way. Some babies take longer than others. You do what ever takes for as long as it takes, until you both get the results that you desire. If something doesn't work, you try something else, and so on. That is the mentality you must have before you even begin.)
   
5. Give more than you expect to receive.  This takes the focus away from ourselves and our problems and so it reduces the effect of them.  We are then able to be productive and have a sense of purpose. (In relationships: this one speaks for itself. However, it's always easier to give when you are clear about what the other persons needs, wants and desires. That comes from knowing your partner over time, having a conversation about it, or a combination of both. 'The Emotional Checking Account' requires, honesty, openness, trust and communication by both parties, but it's great way to become aware of, and gauge where you stand in terms of your partners needs and fulling their "expectations" of you inside the relationship...but that's a whole new blog post, so stay tuned!)
   

Often, when we face difficult circumstances, individually or as a relationship, taking action can be difficult. These 5 steps are practical tools to help give us some guidance and structure on how to take action and move forward.

Reverse Psychology

You'll be fine...in just a short period of time you won't miss me, or need me at all. You won't totally regret dealing with things the way you did or wish you could go back and handle them differently after realizing all that you lost. Not at all. 
Because you're absolutely sure that there is someone out there so much better for you, and that you will meet someone who has so much more to offer than I do, a much more complete, well rounded guy, who's intentions you will know of and trust immediately, and who you will feel safer with, a lot quicker than you did with me. Someone you are super comfortable with, and can be yourself with...the you that no one else knows or gets to see.
Yeah, you'll meet someone who is a better teacher, a better partner, a better friend than I was, all in one, and who is more responsible, and a deeper thinker than me, and more sentimental than I am. I'm sure you will meet a guy who does more of the little things then I did, and is way more thoughtful than I was...whose eyes are more honest than mine are, whose touch is more sincere than mine is, whose raw emotions are more genuine, and easier to see. You will surely meet someone who is a much better listener than I am, who pays more attention to every delicate detail of your beautiful being, and who admires and appreciates the little quarks that make you who you are as much as I did...someone way more in tune to your mood, and who notices when something is on your mind or when you’re not being yourself because something is bothering you, and who wants to know how you feel so badly that he will beg you to talk to him about your emotions and tell him all about how you're feeling so he can help, or at least be as supportive as you will let him be. 
I mean, most guys are like that.
He'll know how to put your needs first and be more than willing to sacrifice his time, energy, and effort for your well being, in an attempt to help you see things more clearly, and in a positive light, so that you feel better and have a chance to be happier each day. You'll meet someone who is more comfortable doing nothing with you than I was, and who cares about your future way more than me. Way more, I'm sure.
I'm sure you'll meet someone who cares about family unity and values more than I do, and you'll meet someone who looks forward to, and is better equipped to love, cherish, and care for his children than I am, and he'll definitely be a better father than me, for sure.  
There are plenty of men out there for you to meet that are more self aware, open minded, capable and willing to change and comprise for the betterment of the relationship than I am, and who are more accepting of your friend's and make more of an effort to be a part of their life as well.
You definitely will find someone filled with more excitement and anticipation than I had every time I got home, just from the thought of turning the corner and possibly seeing you standing at my front door, or from surprising me by being home when I walked in. For sure that feeling will be more consistently prevalent and stronger in someone else than it was in me throughout the course of your relationship, and never fade. You won’t ever have to worry about another guy taking all the nice thoughtful things you do to help out for granted, like cook, clean, or come running whenever you're called. Nah, he'll appreciate those things along with all the nicknames and handshakes more than I did long after your honey moon phase is over.
It will be easy to move on and get over me, because I was ONLY a burden, a problem, a hassle, a headache, a negative source in your life who's feelings weren't real at all, who never attempted to express or show how I felt, and actually never really felt any love at all and didn't really care about you in any way to begin with.
I'm sure you're secure with all your decisions and confident about your feelings, and you know deep down in your heart that there is no place for me in your life what so ever, and that you’re absolutely positive that it will be better without me in it.

Love Molecule

When we fall in love it seems like our brain doesn't work in the usual way. We get sweaty palms, heavy breathing or feeling breathless, we can't think clearly, and it feels like we have butterflies in our stomach. Nevertheless, this feeling is wonderful. It can be triggered by something as simple as the meeting of eyes, touching of hands, listening to music or reading a book.

The little molecule phenylethylamine (PEA), PEA900 is the infatuation inducing stimulant. Together with dopamine and norepinephrine they can create a feeling of euphoria and uncertainty, resulting in insatiable desire. But unfortunately there is a limit due to the neurotransmitter bombardment over an extended time dulling the response. PEA is a natural chemical similar to amphetamine and dopamine, causing us the high experience by lovers.

We will now try to explain how this "love molecule" works.

NEUROTRANSMITTERS

A neurotransmitter is a substance that carry out the actual passage of of a signal across a synapse.

Moods and behavior are largely influenced by the ratio of five central nervous system chemicals known as amines. These include; norepinephrine, epinephrine, serotonin, phenylethylamine (PEA) and dopamine. These neurotransmitters can be divided into two groups, the amines that excite the central nervous system (CNS) and those that inhibit or modulate that excitement.

Excitatory (fight and flight hormones)

Epinephrine Affects contractions of muscle vessels. Increase in blood-pressure and heart-rate. Temporarily increase of blood sugar. Triggers anxiety.
Norepinephrine Always present in the blood. Regulate the blood-pressure and distributes blood in the body. Triggers hostility and irritability.
Serotonin Has a multiple regulatory role in the nervous system, neurotransmission included. Synthesized in the pineal glands, which is known to regulate the light-dark cycle in animals. Serotonin regulates sleep and wakefulness. Serotonin is also secreted by cells in the small intestines, where it regulates testinal peristalsis. Finally , seroronin is a potent vasoconstrictor that helps regulate blood-pressure. At increasing levels serotonin stimulates nervous tension, drowsiness, heart palpations, water retention and inability to concentrate and perform.

Inhibitory

Dopamine Modulates or off sets the negative effects of the excitatory hormones by inducing relaxation and mental alertness. The importance of dopamine in diseases seem to be associated with improper dopamine regulation. Deficiency of dopamine seem to cause Parkinson's disease, too muck of dopamine causes Schizophrenia.

PEA. Is a chemical that speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells. Is a mood elevator that makes us feel euphoric at low levels. (At higher levels it causes paranoia).

As we can see are adequate dopamine and PEA levels extremely important to balance the excitatory hormones for enhanced emotional stability.

PEA PRODUCTION AND ACTIVATION

L-phenylalanine is a precursor for PEA. Vitamin B6 is the key nutrient in the production of the beneficial biogenic dopamine and PEA. Vitamin B6 in the form of pyridoxine hydrochloride is biologically inactive. Once B6 enters a cell,enzymatic transfer of the g-phosphoryl group from ATP forms the coenzyme pyridoxal 5’-phosphat, PLP. This conversion to the active form requires magnesium and vitamin B2. PLP is a prostetic group for many enzymeS that catalyze a vareity of reactions involving amino acids. PLP is tightly bound to to the enzyme by many weak noncovalent interactions.

	Decarboxyalase + PLP + Mg + Vitamin B2 ---&gt
Phenylalanine		PEA

The carboxylgroup of phenylalanine is removed by decarboxylase and a hydrogen is added

The activity of PEA is largely determined by an enzyme known as monoamine oxidase (MAO). MAO is the chemical of risk takers. It is known to be 20% lower in women. This is the hormone which causes fear is to warn us of danger - not to make us afraid of danger. MAO is divided into two types. MAO type A deactivates the excitatory hormones while MAO type B deactivates dopamine and PEA. They can be inactivated by oxidative removal of their aminogroup by monoamineoxidase. An increase in type A MAO and a lower level of type B MAO is ideal for creation of emotional stability.

Progesterone and dihydro-testosterone increases type A activity and suppressing type B activity and therefore increasing biological levels of PEA (and dopamine)

WHAT AFFECTS LOVE?

As difficult as love is to define, its first flickers apparently begin in the prefrontal cortex, the section of your brain that enables you to anticipate the joy of being with a particular person, even one you ever met. If it´s powerful enough, this so called memory of the future engages the ancestral “fight and flight” response of the lower brain, which is responsible for such involuntary functions as stammering, tripping, drooling and laughing too loudly at someone else´s joke.

Endorphins fuel the chemical cocktail. Similar in structure to morphine, endorphins are perhaps best known for creating a blissful sense of calm in long distance runners. They leave lovers feeling similarly tranquil, but not in the early going. During the initial stages of attraction, endorphins serve as a catalyst by triggering special cells in the midbrain to produce dopamine and PEA, powerful natural amphetamines. In the boot camp of romance, dopamine and PEA are the drill sergeant. They barks at the brain to select a plan of action, any plan.

SIMILARITY BETWEEN PEA AND AMPHETAMINE:
PEA and amphetamine are very similar to each other. Some of the effects of amphetamine is increased energy, enhanced awakeness, less appetite, increased breathe and heart rate. Do you recognize this? It seems to be the same effects as that of PEA when we fall in love. An over consumption of amphetamine and overproduction of PEA leads to paranoia.

RESEARCH

Last year the scientists Dr Peter Godfrey, Dr Lynette Hatherly and Emeritus Professor Ron Brown, University of Monash, announced that they had determined the arrangement of atoms that make up the PEA molecule.Recent research of the molecular shape of PEA could help advance treatment of mental illness, simplify chemical research and save drug companies millions of dollars. The research team said that the PEA breakthrough is especially important because it is one of the simplest neuro-transmitters and their research success opens a path for future testing of related ,but more complex, chemicals associated with mental illness. “Pea is structural relative of a series of hormones, some of which are linked to human motor system functions and the occurrence of Parkinson´s disease, while others such as serotonin effectively dictate our emotional balance.” Dr Godfrey said.

If you have too high levels of PEA in your body it can affect you in some undesired ways. Scientists believe that amounts higher than 5 mg PEA is suspected to give migraine, they also believe that high levels can cause paranoia. A reduction in brain levels of phenyletylamine is thought to be one factor in causing depression. When phenylalanine (percursor) is metabolited to PEA it exerts antidepressant activity. In a study some patients took 100-500 mg phenylalanine every day for two weeks and it completely eliminated those patients depression. Researchers have also tried to find a connection between PEA and bulimia, but we found no results of these studies.

CHOCOLATE

On Valentines day many people receive a box of chocolate from the man or woman in their life. Is this only a gesture of love or do they know the secret of chocolate? Chocolate is one of several romantic foods that consist PEA, yes that is correct. But don´t think that you fall in love when you eat it. Small amounts of chocolate makes you feel happy but the molecule of love is often quickly broken down by our bodies, so that it doesn´t even reach the blood. If you eat pounds of chocolate you only get a headache, so please don´t run away to the chocolate box and eat it up. Save the box for those times when you feel down and take a piece of chocolate. Other food with PEA present are strawberries and spicy food.

 

OXYTOCIN*
*Oxytocin is a mammalian hormone that acts primarily as a neuromodulator in the brain that is best known for its roles in sexual reproduction, in particular during and after childbirth. It is released in large amounts after distension of the cervix and uterus during labor, facilitating birth, and after stimulation of the nipples, facilitating breastfeeding.
Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, and maternal behaviors. For this reason, it is sometimes referred to as the "love hormone". The inability to secrete oxytocin and feel empathy is linked to sociopathy, psychopathy, narcissism and general maladaptiveness.

It is worth noting that oxytocin was not mentioned in the original article. However, as I refer to the feeling of being in love as “chemical handcuffs” mostly because of the effects oxytocin, I feel it is relevant to the discussion of feeling “in love”.