Crisis: 5 Steps to Change

As a proponent of positive psychology & personal growth, and in preparation for my new venture as an 'Educational Speaker' and 'Success Coach', recently I've been doing a lot of work studying the fundamental keys and principles on how to create lasting change when it comes to any area of life. So naturally, that has included studying a lot of information from Tony Robbins! Below, I tried to incorporate Tony's 5 step approach to creating change in a time of crisis, into an approach that can also be useful when dealing with crisis inside of a relationship. 

5 Steps to Change

1. See it how it is, not worse than it is.  It’s easy to get things out of proportion when we’re in a state of crisis because we are, or feel, under threat. This is when it seems out of our control. If you can be objective, you regain your control and it’s much easier to take action. It's easy for our emotions to get the best of us and cause our brains to paint a different picture, or blur the real truth about how things are. Recognize how bad it feels, but acknowledge how it really is, which often is not nearly as bad as it feels.
   
2. Get to the real truth and deal with it.  If you are able to deal with the cards you are dealt and accept what’s happening, it will prevent you from becoming paralyzed by fear and stress. Focus on what you know the actual problems are, not the feelings you have as a whole about the problems. (In relationships: at this point if it is in turmoil, it's not a bad idea to discuss the possible consequences. Talk openly and honestly about what it will cost if things remain the same, and the pain both parties involved will feel if the truth being told is not recognized, let alone resolved. Do this not in a threatening way, just as an informative way about the state of your reality. You may feel like you're the only one in pain, but remember to not only listen, but inquire about the other parties needs or pain as well.)
   
3. Get a vision to get strong.  We all need something to go for and in times of crisis, this will propel us into action, focusing on the future rather than the present. (In relationships: this is where you will communicate your specific desires and needs moving forward. After discussing the reality about how things are or have been, you need to be very specific about what you want and the way you would like for it to be in the future. This is also a time when it is important to discover 'why'. Your reason for taking action and fighting to get through the crisis or tough time to make it work is critical. The why, or reasons and meaning that both parties share will continually help pull you through it together. If you have a strong enough reason 'why', and are specific enough about the 'what', then you will find a way 'how' with no problem.
   
4. Get a role model and learn their strategies.  This can be anyone who’s managed to move to a positive situation after a crisis – family member, friend, colleague. This will help us take necessary action. (In relationships: this may include counseling, therapy, or something that worked for another couple who faced similar challenges and turned things around successfully.  Or, it may include a little research about some techniques or skills to try together in an attempt to build back that bond or intimacy that was once so strong in what ever specific area of the relationship that is needed. If it's a person you go to, it needs to be someone both parties trust. Either way, it will feel like work, but relationships are just that. However, if both parties are committed, the results will speak for themselves, and they will reinforce the work that has been put in. By the way, there is no predetermined time limit on how long you try. How long do you give a baby to start walking? As long as it takes. You don't give up or quit on the baby because they haven't walked in the amount of time you desired, or expected them to. Well effort in a committed relationship works the same way. Some babies take longer than others. You do what ever takes for as long as it takes, until you both get the results that you desire. If something doesn't work, you try something else, and so on. That is the mentality you must have before you even begin.)
   
5. Give more than you expect to receive.  This takes the focus away from ourselves and our problems and so it reduces the effect of them.  We are then able to be productive and have a sense of purpose. (In relationships: this one speaks for itself. However, it's always easier to give when you are clear about what the other persons needs, wants and desires. That comes from knowing your partner over time, having a conversation about it, or a combination of both. 'The Emotional Checking Account' requires, honesty, openness, trust and communication by both parties, but it's great way to become aware of, and gauge where you stand in terms of your partners needs and fulling their "expectations" of you inside the relationship...but that's a whole new blog post, so stay tuned!)
   

Often, when we face difficult circumstances, individually or as a relationship, taking action can be difficult. These 5 steps are practical tools to help give us some guidance and structure on how to take action and move forward.